Almost two years

Almost two years ago I came to Toronto. I openly admit now that when I came here I was running away. I was running away from my awful job and evil boss, my friends, my parents and a man who would never love me.

When I left I had a love/hate relationship with my hometown. I loved it for it's beauty and simplicity but hated it for it's lack of opportunity. Two years later I can say I have changed.

For the first year I pushed away thoughts of home because I would miss it too much. Home became a fairy tale place in my mind. I could picture it completely yet it was beyond touching. Some days it seemed like Utopia compared to the rough and tumble, polluted, crowded cess pool that T.O. so often feels like. It became easier to forget about Tbay cause then it didn't cause this dull ache of longing to be there.

But the longing was followed by the realization that I no longer had a place there. I had no job. My friends had moved on without me and my family didn't need me. In fact my family was pushing me out the door. They wanted me to go. Despite how much I wished I was back there I knew that it was no longer the place I was missing. I felt like everything I had loved about it had faded away.

At the time, whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not, Tbay was damaging to me. It held me back. I was thinking that living here was temporary and I wasn't doing the things I needed to in order to create a life for myself. So I pushed Tbay into a small drawer in the back of my mind and set about moving on.

But someone very special to me told me that they didn't want to forget the beauty of Tbay. His words made me realize that forgetting something is not the way to be at peace with it. It would be like me trying to forget Dziadziu because it hurts too much to remember because he's gone. By trying to forget Tbay I'm forgetting an integral piece of my soul. It made me who I am and I would never want to be someone else.

This person has changed my life in subtle ways. They have no idea the impact they made on my life in such a short period of time. It is amazing how you have people that just come into your life and profoundly change it. Like the poem on that poster that I bought all those years ago in University

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some moves our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding

with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for awhile,

leave footprints on our hearts

and we are never, ever the same.”

-Anonymous

When I bought that poster it grabbed at my heart. Now I understand it differently. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. Some people come along to help you realize something about yourself or your life. They push you to new limits. They illuminate dark, dust covered corners of your soul that you never bothered to explore before they shone a great searchlight inside you. Some people even magnify pieces of you that you are ashamed of. Places you would rather forget exist but with their thoughtful eyes they find them and carefully move them aside in favour of the fragile beauty that you hide behind layers of fear and lonliness. The moment that they really see you, as you are for the first time, is both frightening and exhilarating. I imagine the joy that must come when they smile at you in that moment because they have seen past the facade and they love what is behind it even more.

That is a moment I'm waiting for. The moment when someone can look me in the eyes and love me because they know me. And love me in spite of my flaws and imperfections. Love all the unpretty things about me. That is how I am ready to love someone.

There is someone I want to know better. Someone who is absolutely incredible. This man is creative, funny, intelligent, honest, straight-forward, caring, strong, genuine, respectful, determined and knows what he wants from life. This is a man any woman would be extremely lucky to have in her life. He is worth the risk of being hurt. I don't know what could be but he has me curious enough to want to find out.

I'm open to this adventure. I'm ready to see where it leads.